[First Season]

    Like where Akasha brings the twins to her court
  Khayman like rapes them, and Mekare then asks the
spirit of Amel to avenge them (Jim and Mary Barr like this
  and think you will like it too). Akasha fuses with, oozes
    out Maharet and makes her a vampire who in
  turn makes Enkil a derivative. Together they wax, green
eyes aglow as they go to ground. Hand over fist. Maharet
  has a mortal daughter, Miriam (not Catherine Deneuve)
    who begets the Great Family and scores a scholar-
  ship at the Royal College of Art in London, England.
Khayman hits the roller deck and takes Maharet and Mekare
  back to Egypt. Akasha makes Khayman a pyramid
    (Carlo Ponzi loves this). Khayman pokes
  Mekare who pokes Maharet (Tee-hee!). Maharet and
Mekare are separated and sealed into coffins; both escape
  but fail to find each other on YouTube. Ruark Lewis would
    like to be their friend, but first must face his past.

    Akasha and Enkil make other arrangements;
  they are worshipped, of course, they have 666 friends
in common, but are trapped for many years so other vampires
  get to steal, and bank, their blood. This was 5000 BC
    remember: no one worked through their issues
  back in that day. Finally, they free themselves but, dis-
enchanted, they whine, they wane and begin their gradual
  melting away from the world. Whereas Khayman, he
    returns to the islands and makes vampires who
  war with those undead clones Adoboli and Iksil. Ad
nauseam. Akasha and Enkil go into their ‘deep image’ tranche
  and must now rotate providers, or face retrenchment.
    Maharet makes Eric a vampire, Anais a toad and
  retreats to a tax shelter. The pitiless Elder places Akasha
  and Enkil in the sun, causing 2nd season vampire burns with-
  out exemption. God of the Grove (Chief Druid blood
            sucker) turns 40yr old Marius.

    Evil blue-eyed Mael becomes a sphere entire.
  An Alpha networker, he’s on a role (Sp). All the while old
Marius ages and takes Akasha and Enkil out of Egypt to Antioch.
  Maharet goes to Antioch too and takes the creative writing
    course. During the crit she claims she plunged a
  dagger in Akasha’s heart to establish the truth of the legend
that Akasha must exist for all other vampires to exist, and is re-
  commended to Iowa by her Professor. Whereupon she draws
    down her funds in Girls Gone Wild. Santino’s now
  a vampire (Suck and swoon!). John Hurrell receives some
surprising new information. Marius makes Armand a virgin
  when Armand is seventeen, and Akasha’s like, that’s so
    random! Who’s your secret server? After ingesting
  derivatives Magnus too becomes a vampire. Anthony
Hecht likes that, which is not like him at all. (to be continued)

Louis de Pointe du Lac’s mortal birth: blood’s all over, every
  body slips and slides, and gets sticky (Aw, that’s so
    icky!). Mortal Lestat gets into the Grove and
  slays werewolves, swinging his blade with soft hands.
Remediated, he elects to go with Alaric (guest star, Matt
  Davis, Legally Blonde) and Robespierre to Paris, to be-
    come an actor. Flashback: enjoying new powers
  Magnus makes twenty-year old Lestat a Premium Stake-
holder Vampire (PSV), bloods him and then he goes into the fire.
  With Brian Boyd who knows the story, Lestat makes his
    Mother Gabrielle a vampire. Lestat encounters
  Armand’s coven. Lestat makes a tidy sum, a killing.
Lestat gives Renaud’s Theater to four vampires who, with
  Nicolas Bourriaud, turn it into the Theater of the
                Retired Vampires.

    Lestat and Gabrielle become frequent flyers;
  Lestat pens the first of his many bestsellers. Nicolas
goes into the fire. Lestat’s mortal family is killed during the
  famous French Revolution. After dying of the plague,
    Edgar Allan Poe suggests Anais and he go for a
  coffee. They do the rounds. Gabrielle leaves Lestat to go
into the woods for a spot of extreme self-rendition, and experi-
  ences déjà vu. She’s drawing blood, sucking up bodily
    fluids wherever they may be. Lestat goes underground
  in New Zealand, where once again he proceeds to push his
portfolio. Marius subsequently subdues Lestat (Tom Cruise), and
  takes him to the Samoan islands where Akasha and Kim
    Dotcom sit as statues. Big Time. Face to face with
  the terrifying new danger in the jungle. About now Lestat
awakens Akasha who’s slept through the entire Equinox, but
      Marius relents and sends them both away.

  Lestat and Louis drink the blood of slaves from Pointe
    du Lac, draining the labour pool. Unbeknownst
  to his shrink, Lestat makes twenty-five year-old Helena
Sword a vampire. He’s so unconscionable! Next thing you know
  the three of them have set up house on Rampart Street.
    Helena pokes Lestat, she sucks him, and tosses his
  remains into the swamp. Which’s all the thanks he gets.
Still, when Lestat’s buoyed up again on the King tide, regurgitated
  so to speak, an infuriated Witi burns down the house.
    Downs another bourbon; and on the proceeds
  from Sunday’s fund-raising carwash, flees with Helena
to Europe where they melt into the crowd. She’s got red curly
  hair, flashing eyes (green) and an unbelievable bundle
    of swaps. Helena and Witi seek out Old World
  vampires in the linen fields of Brittany, the remnants
        of the famed Fang Gang of Finistere.

(Now read on) First they find nothing. Helena and Witi repair
  to the Ecole Supérieure, and take a blood bath (bain de
    sang), whilst Lestat makes a blazing comeback
  from his writer’s retreat on Ibiza. Henri Louis Le Cren
shares a link with Audrina and shortly thereafter invites her to the
  Theater of Cruelty. They go into the Cul-de-Sac by the
    side door, bleeding profusely from their wounds.
  Sheriff Forbes delivers some unsettling news to Adoboli
and Iksil. Louis bites Madeleine, also a vampire (Suck and wipe!)
  Armand’s bloodthirsty coven, who once were were-
    wolves, destroys Helena and Madeleine, outraging
  Louis who retaliates by burning down the Theater
of the Plastoscene (Sp) Vampires (TPV). Louis then returns by
  way of Spitalfields to New Orleans, where he claims
    to have seen Lestat again. (Martin Creed loves
            this, you should too.)

Send Letters To:

The Editor
London Review of Books,
28 Little Russell Street
London, WC1A 2HN


Please include name, address, and a telephone number.

Read anywhere with the London Review of Books app, available now from the App Store for Apple devices, Google Play for Android devices and Amazon for your Kindle Fire.

Sign up to our newsletter

For highlights from the latest issue, our archive and the blog, as well as news, events and exclusive promotions.

Newsletter Preferences