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ClassifiedACCOMMODATION AVAILABLEStunningly situated house in SW France, Midi-Pyrenees. Fully furnished, four bedrooms, garden with swimming pool. Available for long-term let, October to May. Near Oxford (1/2 hour car) and London (45 mins train). Retired teacher willing to share cottage with bed/study/sitting room for private use. Suit academic 6-12 months. London SW1, one-bedroom flat. Small but very quiet with pretty garden. Available 1-4 months over summer. £220 p.w. Single studio flat in quiet road near Tufnell Park Tube; separate street entrance. Kitchen, shower room, c/h early am and evening; washer-dryer, t.v., bedding. £650pcm. Deposit and references required. Single room with own roof terrace to let Mon-Fri in cineatopher’s delightful house. Garden, quiet road DeBeauvoir N1. £120 per week bills incl. Broadband available. From May 1. Male academic/professional pref. Primrose Hill Studio: Comfortable, convenient; available for academic year 2008/09. View now. Stunning newly refurbished two bed coastguard cottage at Birling Gap, East Sussex in dramatic location overlooking Seven Sisters cliffs. Set of the South Downs way 40 mins Brighton, 90 mins London. Available for 6 months rent (negotiable) from April 08. £700 pcm. COURSESArvon. We give you the time and space to write. Life changing creative writing courses in fiction, poetry, playwriting and much more. Join us at one of our four beautiful houses in the British countryside. Live and work with top writers. The 14th Arvon International Poetry Competition opens in May 2008. Total prizes £10,000, plus a new environmental prize. Play writing courses, in beautiful Georgian town-house, 25 seconds from the sea, in Deal in Kent. Teaching from playwright Gregory Motton, and director Simon Usher. Places available for February onwards. Price; one week, £460 with accomodation, or £220 without. Telephone or write for more details. EVENTSLincoln Book Festival - 5th Year. Steven Berkoff, Colin Dexter, Nigel Rees, Louis de Bernières, In The Night Garden, Chris Addison, Iain Banks, Mills & Boon, workshops, wine tasting, comedy, music and more... Friday May 9th - Sunday May 18th, 2008 HOLIDAYSCharmingly restored apartment. Medieval town centre. 100km north Rome. €350 per week. Umbria/Tuscany border. Quite exceptional centuries-old farmhouse. Sleeps ten. Large swimming pool. Mouthwatering views. Therapeutic atmosphere. Totally private but not isolated. Paris – New Left Bank. Two-bedroom, courtyard apartment. Bibliothèque line,14 Métro. Bordeaux wine country. Spacious stone farmhouse, Pool. AMSTERDAM – CENTRE. Quiet, lovely, sunny apartment in converted monumental warehouse overlooking picturesque canal (16th c.) Beams, fireplace, fully equipped. One-two adults €550 weekly. Morocco, Essaouira, 'the jewel of Morocco'. Lovely light apartment with view over sea and ancient ramparts featured in Orson Welles' Othello. Large private terrace; serviced daily. Suit two appreciative people (non smokers). €65 per night for apartment. Discreetly improve your swing in the Dordogne! Private golf course (2,330 yards) in hidden valley, owner and holiday tenants only can play. Farmhouse, Shepherd’s cottage to let, together or separately, sleep 6/4. And a ten x fivem saltwater pool! Near historic sites, good restaurants and markets too. Tuscany. Lovely welcoming villa, secluded, tranquil, beautiful pool. Five bedrooms. Italy - a charming picturesque two-bedroom flat at the foothills of the Piedmont Alps Dordogne (Le Bugue). For rent: beautiful 18th century village family house 200 m2. Large secluded garden, piano, library, charm and character. Available July-August minimum two week maximum four people. €800/week. Central Toulouse, small but elegant apt with parking (!) in 18th-cent bldg near St. Etienne, available late May to mid-Oct, €425 pw, less for longer terms. Pottery in southern France. Short courses from May with Raku firing. Beginners welcome, all levels, small groups. Lovely setting, good food. Provence: O for a beaker full of the warm South... Keats. Imagine... You could be there and we have availability... and variety... Paris Palais Royal. Very nice apartment with internet €910 pw Holiday apartment near Munich at Lake Starnberg PARIS - LOVELY FLAT- £500/WK- EXCHANGE Beautiful, quiet beach, virgin oak forest, ancient olive trees, cypresses, and pines. This is the setting at the very south east tip of lush and green Ionian island of Zakynthos where we rent comfortable cosy cottages for 2-7 people. Florence, comfortable, quiet and central apartment, sleeps 4. Tuscan farmhouse amid olives and vineyards. Close to medieval hilltop towns. Panoramic views. Perfect for local walks hot springs and Siena, Montepulciano and Pienza. Sleeps 4-12. Barcelona and Costa Brava. Selected traditional rental villas with pool. Since 1997. 24/7 service, read testimonials in our highly informative website. Book locally and save! Lovely rambling house in North Yorkshire to rent. Fantastic retreat for writers and artists. South-West France. Comfortable, stylishly restored cottage, sleeps two, tranquil, private, with expansive views, £150-£290 p.w. Limousin. Restored coach house in quiet medieval village with Benedictine priory. Sleeps nine, chamomile lawn, lovely walks, swimming lakes and frescoes of Saint Savin nearby. £200-£500 per week. PERSONALSMan 52 WLTM woman for occasional association around seasides, music, pictures and sex, avoiding vows and veils or nest for two. London. I am the only piece of eye-candy appearing in this column. You are the only comely dentist. Are we fools to think it could ever work? Maths-obsessed cross-dressing M in Manolo Blahniks and Prada A-lines seeks health-food fascist and mis-matched Oxfam disaster to 50 for bursts of real fruit flavour and evenings worrying about the sugar-content of M&S slightly soileds. No barristers. Don’t look back in anger, try condescension instead. Look sideways with schadenfreude and upward in revulsion. Serial divorcee (F, 53) has you in her sights next with a raft of sarcastic barbs and derisive statements, but a photo sent to box no. 09/02 along with a list of trite achievements that I’ll remain aloof and casually disdainful about should make the whole process slightly less painful by confronting the inevitable head on. Newly divorced man, 46, looking for a woman to 50 who doesn’t conclude sexual intercourse with Queen Elizabeth I’s rebuke to Cardinal Wolsley. Less Chicken Soup for the Soul, more Lobster Bisque for the Glutes - rejected self-help manual author and fitness instructor (M, 38) seeks in-shape F to 40 for evenings constructing publishable titbits on overcoming depression, enhancing the strength of a weakened pelvic floor, and questionable shell-fish aphrodisia. Must enjoy light bondage. Colour-blind driving instructor and weekend hastilude enthusiast (M, 33) seeks jousting F to 35 to give him the green light (and appropriate ‘drive on’ hand signal). What a difference a junior suite makes! That’s where you come in – F to 30 with access to husband’s credit cards and a shrill delight at the thought of taking it to the limit over the course of a weekend fling with limber octogenarian bankrupt no longer welcome in his son-in-law’s Lake District caravan. American in London? Dublin bay beauty - sparkling green Irish eyes, radiant smile, very, very attractive, brunette, a curvaceous figure with a soft spoken accent. Born in New York, educated in USA and Dublin, with strong ties both sides of the Atlantic. WLTM a very attractive, tall, educated, successful American male with whom beauty, brains and passion for life, are key to him. She has a refreshingly girl-next door approachability combined with an expressive warm out-going personality, intellectually gifted and curious, a cosmopolitan outlook, cultured yet fun-loving, strong yet sensitive, adventurous yet totally feminine. My client is happy to travel to London, to meet, or re-locate for the right partner. So if you're 40-52 and seeking a LTR/Marriage, please call: 0845 226 3189 or jrh@rh-introductions.co.uk for FULL details. ( NO FEE is reqd ) The Whole Package. Trained violinist, cultured, yet very sporty. Tall, fit/toned and blue eyed. Highly successful, affluent lifestyle, adventurous, fun-loving, well travelled. Openly playful, witty, with a passion for classical music, tennis, skiing, hiking, fine dining, theatre, to trekking in Nepal. My client is delightfully attuned, laughs a lot, thinks deeply, stylish yet uncomplicated. She is seeking a LTR with a tall, equally successful, genuine professional male, with an affluent lifestyle, age 40-46. Fitness is key. London/Home Counties. Call: 0845 226 3189 or jrh@rh-introductions.co.uk for FULL details. (NO FEE reqd.) Woman, 57, wishes to share love and work partnership doing permaculture to create food and fuel in pristine coastal California. Asian graduate, 40s sleeping tiger seeks white female 20-40 for animal magic. Early 60s woman, daft enough at moments to think a few well-chosen words could turn up the man of her dreams, but otherwise quite acute and hopes maybe to start some interesting conversations. Londonish. I’m still Jenny from the block. Which is odd because yesterday I was Keith from the allotment. Keith from the allotment, 49. You can call me Jenny. Some men can only be loved by their own mother. Not me, I’ve got Mr Snuggley Panda. Male, 36, and Mr Snuggley Panda, also 36 They say the pram in the hallway is the enemy of art. Not true. Astaroth, Threshold Guardian of the Infernal Plane is the enemy of art. Join me in my battle to rid this world of his Satanic intent by sending care-home vouchers to his long-suffering daughter and one-time sculpturing genius, 37. Puny Earthlings! I am come bring a reign of terror upon your intellectually inferior world for a period not less than a thousand years of dark, impenetrable night! Women-folk – I’m going to have to ask you to remove your shirts and send photos to would-be Mekon, 43, sleeping on his sister’s sofa the last three months running. One-time Mario Andretti of popular short-lived quad protests seeks Stirling Moss of resurgent leftist agit-prop theatre for nights of frequent pit-stops and dragging up behind the safety car. Must have large bosoms. M, 61. ‘Shame’ and ‘terror’. The two words that most adequately sum up my sexual performances. If yours are ‘banter’ and ‘pot-roast’, write now to bubbly F, 36, making trouser-suits from carpet remnants since 1994. I hope you’re sitting down while reading because this advert might just excite your socks off! Man, 37. This advert is my best attempt at adequately expressing the true nature of the 46-year old man who placed it. It may look unremarkable but, given the scant dimensions humans are aware of, it’s nothing short of miraculous. Reply no and I will show you how it reads among the peaceful Drivulian dream swimmers that populate our minds at night. I am the sharpest knife in the drawer. You’re the brightest spoon. Man, 38, Balham. When love eludes you, try provincial living! Gorgeous, ersatz fem (34) living the self-sufficiency dream seeks strong-armed, bold man to 40 to make only positive comments about her needlepoint work and help churn the butter daily. Must have working knowledge of calf birthing procedures. Man, 41. Not the sharpest sandwich at the picnic. These are my skills: I can swim five lengths, I know karate (I used to be a yellow belt), I can roll my eyelids back, I can do an impression of Wally from Crossroads, I can run really fast when I’m being chased, I can make awesome tracks on my casio keyboard, I was in a shop in Croydon once and there was a gap in one of the dressing room curtains and you could see in and Christine Rowley was inside trying some stuff on and I saw one of her boobs. Man, 38. Senior Philosophy lecturer. The low-resolution personal ad. When viewed from a distance it looks amazing, but up close it’s pretty poor. Man, 35, Gwent. My last seven adverts in this column were influenced by the early catalogue of krautrock band, Paternoster. This one, however, is based entirely around the work of Gil Scott-Heron. Man, 32. Possibly the last person you want to be stood next to at a house-party you’ve been dragged along to by a friend who wants to get off with the flatmate of the guy who’s birthday it is. Hey! Have you ever heard Boards of Canada? They’re amazing, I’ll burn you a disk. Women to 35 – you’re all invited to the party in my pants. It’s bring a bottle and, please, remember to remove your shoes before you step on the carpet – mum’s just had it cleaned. Stupid man, 33. In France, it’s just a kiss. In England it’s just a muffin. In Belgium it’s just a waffle. In Germany it’s just a shepherd. You know what I’m saying. Man, 41. Part biopic, part utopian vision, all epic of redemption amidst the trials of mankind. This personal ad has everything. Woman, 38. Only one conviction for nuisance calling. A night with me is like a night at the Playboy mansion. Tony (48), Bridgend. I’d like to thank all the women of the LRB who have taken the time to read this advert by making love to you all. Honestly, it’s the least I could do. Extremely grateful gentleman (76, but my downstairs plumbing still works). England’s best hope for Olympic gold if ever there was an Olympic event for wearing plaid and brogues. Man, 56. Not a snappy dresser but extremely well-endowed. As it happens, 11.34 am two weeks next Friday is the first day of the rest of my life. Nuclear physicist (M, 40) on the brink of time-travelling break-through. Write now to box no 07/11 but be aware that by the time I reply you will be 98 whereas I will have aged just twelve hours. You may have a good-looking grand-daughter by then though. Give her my number and tell her to look me up. Fun-loving, successful school manager by day enjoys books, theatre, travel, dining, living and let-living by night. 36, Oxford. Seeks female 25-40 for friendship, fun times and perhaps more. Beatrice (30, London) seeks Benedick. Wit essential; liking for single malt, obscure music and/or long train journeys a definite advantage. PUBLICATIONSCome away with me to the Islands. Departure: April 2008. READERS’ REQUESTSStruggling metaphysical poet, 49, Newcastle upon Tyne, as featured on the Sunday Times Magazine’s ‘A Life In The Day’ page in 1998, seeks a literary executor to take a charge of vast and varied lifetime’s work upon eventual demise. I’ve received many strong endorsements from the great and the good, but have been prevented from pursuing any professional leads by lifelong health issues. All has been target at encouraging the possibility of posthumous editing and publication. PS I’ve just written this poem to go with my advert (see above): SERVICESResidential Apple Mac Support for Central London. Tuition, Email, Internet, Broadband & Upgrades. Prompt call-out. Fixed hourly fee. SPECIALIST BOOKSELLERSWe buy & sell language books - Foreign, Celtic, English - from libraries to single items. Books Bought & Sold. Balkans, Russia, C.E. Europe, Central Asia from libraries to single items - travel, history, politics, culture, language. |
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