Classified
ACCOMMODATION AVAILABLE
Rent my cosy house in Tuscan hills, in return for feeding my two cats. Nov – April. Own car essential.
email: Shivergbr291@hotmail.co.uk
Elegant flat in Camden Town to let fully furnished. Available immediately. £1400 pcm.
email: lucylethbridge@googlemail.com
Writer/baker, 31, nonsmoker, seeks affordable 1 bed or lodging for 9 months: E2, E8, N1.
tel: 07522684566
Artist’s lovely split-level one-bedroom flat in London. With private roof terrace, NW5, close tube and Heath. Min 1 week max 6 months. Other one-bedroom flat available for 1 year.
tel: 07891 208 817
email: r.maragno@btinternet.com
Lovely 2nd floor flat in leafy Richmond. 30 mins Waterloo. Non-smoking professional wanted to share two-bedroom flat. Ideally suit academic/researcher. Quiet cat-lover preferred. £650 inclusive of most bills.
email: Email randtab@yahoo.co.uk
South-West France. Calm rivers and valleys. Easy access Albi and airports. Available medium/short term.
web: www.tarn-aveyron-gites.com
Cornwall. Glorious Georgian farmhouse near Atlantic coast. Publishers' retreat so filled with books. Coal AGA, and mod cons. Six bedrooms.
web: www.trethiggeyfarmhouse.co.uk
Montanchez, Extremadura: 3 double bedroom solar powered house, 1 mile from village, olive grove, beautiful views, walks, quiet. 400 euros p.m.
email: hmurray@murraystudio.com
FLAT EXCHANGE
Retired couple looking for a home exchange in London for a couple of weeks to a month this fall, 2009, or next spring, 2010. Our home in Georgetown, the historic, Georgian section of Washington DC, is a place for book and music lovers, who enjoy cooking and cultural excursions. We are looking for something in London that will echo our home here: 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, good kitchen, dining and living areas. We also offer a garden, and a guest bathroom on the downstairs floor of our duplex, and an office overlooking a wonderful park on the upstairs, ground floor. Modern inside, (includes wireless internet) traditional brownstone on the outside. We enjoy walking, running errands close by, and last minute concerts, plays and exhibits, hopefully on public transportation. Our bikes are heavily used, and occasionally our car. We look forward to exchanging these with people of like minds and tastes. If you are interested, please contact us at:
email: srealdeazua@gmail.com
HOLIDAYS
“When I went to Venice, I discovered that my dream had become - incredibly, but quite simply - my address.” Marcel Proust.
web: www.visitvenice.co.uk
Limousin. Simply restored coach house in medieval village with Benedictine priory. Sleeps nine, wild flower garden, terrace, lovely walks, swimming lakes and frescoes of Saint Savin nearby. £200-£500 pw.
web: www.stbenoitdusault.com
Morocco, Essaouira. Lovely light apartment on sea.
web: www.purpleisleshouse.com
PRAGUE apartments in charming medieval restored house, comfortable, central, free Wi-Fi. Great view and value.
tel: 00420 257 532 528
Italy, Rome: Holiday apartments for rent in the centre of Rome at affordable prices.
web: www.leonholidayapartments.com
PRAGUE apartments in charming medieval restored house, comfortable, central, free Wi-Fi. Great view and value.
tel: 00420 257 532 528
email: orsini@quick.cz
web: www.eclectic.cz
Stunningly situated cottage in South-West France. Spectacular views. Large private swimming pool. Open-plan living room, TV/DVD. Sleeps six comfortably in three double/twin bedrooms. Full linen supplied. Fully equipped kitchen. South-facing terrace with stone barbecue. Short walk from village. LONG TERM RENTALS THROUGHOUT THE YEAR. Exciting places to explore and sights to visit. Fly to Toulouse, Rodez or Carcassonne. Visit our website.
tel: 0033 5634 04083
email: gisella@wanadoo.fr
web: www.gite-french.com
Holiday apartments near Munich at Lake Starnberg.
web: www.ferienwohnung-starnberger-see.de
Eire, West Cork, wilderness. S. catering writer’s retreat. Short or long term low rate available. Horse riding etc if in need of distraction.
tel: 0115 9111300
web: www.tirnahilan.com
Village House,Andalucia. Sea View,quiet,rural. Wonderful Winter Walking. Walks (4692-5) on www.walkingworld.com £180-220 p/w.
tel: 020 7730 6561
Vacation like a Queen, relax like an Admiral in Southwest France. Your inspiration is waiting.
web: www.lamaisonnoblefr.com
PERSONALS
All box number replies should be addressed to the relevant box number and sent to:
London Review of Books 28 Little Russell Street, London WC1A 2HN, UK
We advise respondents to take due precautions when answering personal ads.
Literary lads of the LRB! Know a girl who keeps in touch with all of her ex’s? Says she gets along with men better than women? Laughs about keeping up with their drinking? Recommends white beer with salmon rather than pinot noir? Well forget about her, she’s a manipulative, cackling lush who’s hated by female colleagues and the morose clutch of resigned eunuchs orbiting her Hoegaarden. Instead, date me. Post ironic, post feminist who enjoys informed conversation, gender theory and ranking the ladette phenomenon alongside the Britisches Freikorps in retrospectives of the 20th century.
box no: 19/09
This zombie-in-contrary-context, trend will halt. After which my Cavaliers-in-Space vehicle will literally, literally take off.
box no: 19/11
History doesn’t relate the incident, but I won bronze for Festooning during the 1972 Olympics in Quebec. After that I moved to Brighton. Dizzy F, 59.
box no: 21/01
I enjoy a neatly ironed trouser and women who carry the scent of spicy chorizo. Simple man, simple needs. 40.
box no: 21/02
My hobbies include leaving trails of crayons wherever Noam Chomsky gives a public lecture. To date I have placed 3,785 crayons across the globe and raised more than $7 for charity. Beat that, fems to 55 with independent incomes and easy access to therapy.
box no: 21/03
I hate bad dreams, especially the ones with the giant tennis players. Man, 41. Do you have bad dreams? Do they have giant tennis players? My sympathies.
box no: 21/04
Having an average score of 6.8 on the Slavoj Zizek scale of sexual magnetism (still regarded by scientists as the most accurate measure of human attractiveness), I have never had to place a personal ad. However, if I were to write one it would reference the colour green, a refusal to acknowledge the existence of gravity, and a firm belief in the theory that cuddling can solve all arguments except ones about carpets. M, 38.
box no: 21/05
Privately, I will always regard 1987 as my most successful year but publicly I would state that 2003 brought me more happiness than any other. The 16 year gap between these two points in my life represents roughly half of my overall achievements, whilst the square root of 97 is 9.591663046. None of these things are believed to be coincidental. F, 40.
box no: 21/06
Shortly before my birth in 1973, I dreamed that life outside the womb would consist mainly of people with huge balloon-like heads communicating via complex systems of facial ticks and travelling the world on floating vehicles utilising the energy of laughter. Science has yet to prove me (dork F, 34) wrong.
box no: 21/08
I fear packing peanuts possibly more than other man alive. But I never fail to weep at the simple beauty of swans making love. Carl, 36.
box no: 21/09
I passed up an opportunity to attend the 2009 International Biscuit Convention in Warsaw to write this ad. And I really like biscuits. And conventions. Warsaw, not so much. Biscuit convention-loving, Warsaw-indifferent man, 46 WLTM F to 50 with biscuit baking/convention hosting talent who preferably doesn’t live in Warsaw.
box no: 21/10
Like a faithful hound I will fetch your slippers and newspaper in the morning and follow you for walks on beaches on brisk autumn mornings. Of course, if I bite a small child I will have to be injected with sodium pentobarbital and destroyed. But let’s just accentuate the positive for now. Slippers. Newspaper. Beaches. F, 32.
box no: 21/11
My dad helped me write this ad, just like he helped me with all my science projects and encouraged me to go to medical school. Thanks dad! Spoiled M, 54.
box no: 21/12
Here’s a truth pill: if there was a fight between me and all the other advertisers in this column there would be no fight because we are all friends. Good luck to you all in your quest for love! Apart from the advertiser above, who is my sworn enemy and whom I have pledged to kill. M, 38. Berks.
box no: 21/14
Women to 55 who enjoy cabbage will get along just fine with me! Cabbage-enjoying M, 55.
box no: 21/13
Une exploratrice? Innerly compulsed to be the sexiest bitch in the room? Occasional drag-queen (42), seeks lots of good sex with someone he really likes.
email: innerlycompulsed@googlemail.com.
Warm, witty, wise, F academic (58), susceptible to spells of unsophisticated silliness, seeks male to appreciate the former and tolerate the latter, or vice versa. West country and beyond.
email: babselt@googlemail.com
Very attractive warm woman writer seeks good-looking man 50-62 with big heart and expansive mind for new plot. London.
email: beautifulwriter@hotmail.com
Alone in Scotland, desperate for a congenial company; interested in languages, theatre, modern music and architecture; love good conversation, travel, adventure, birds, coastal walks and slow food. F. 60.
box no: 21/07
Middleman or woman needed to kiss away the pain from habitual user of violent mechanical contraptions (F). Gauche medical professionals need not apply.
email: wolfiness@ymail.com
Schiele take a bow! Irritating Austrian art fanatic/eighties Morrissey fantasist (M, 43) would like your input (F to 50 or agents to 76) on campus-shenanigan novel he’s been writing since sixth form. Sex is fine too. No Johnny Marrs/Brian Sewells/David Lodges.
box no: 20/02
When I was married, Saturday night was our date night. More often than not it became ‘complain about the microbiotic diet the doctor has me on’ night. Anything was better than ‘re-enact scenes from Lord of the Flies’ night. What I’d really like it to be is ‘play Scrabble then snuggle’ night. Just so long as it doesn’t eventually become ‘wear this leather gimp mask and don’t let go of the chains’ night. Nervous M, 54, WLTM woman who isn’t mental or prone to candidiasis.
box no: 20/03
There are 289 species of octopus. I can, and will, name them all during the act of love. M, 58.
box no: 20/04
Many people carry scars from previous relationships. Not me: mine come from Chinese buffets. Clumsy, argumentative dim sum enthusiast (M, 45). Not good with children or animals. Or anything else that isn’t a fork.
box no: 20/05
I placed this advert simply to toot my own horn, but the LRB refuse to let me use the font ‘Impact’. As such I may not come across as bold and as dynamic as I originally intended, but let me assure you I am both bold and dynamic. (Perhaps readers could underline or highlight the words ‘bold’ and ‘dynamic’ themselves? Or else read this ad out loud and shout the words in a commanding voice, like that of classically-trained actor? Possibly Brian Blessed?) Bold and dynamic man (49). Hull.
box no: 20/06
Carl at the Toyota dealership told me I should probably put an ad in somewhere. So here goes. M, 37.
box no: 20/07
In my bedroom, ‘tension’ is a word from the past. Although ‘dermatitis’ is very much of the moment. ‘Exfoliate’ is probably the choice for tomorrow. Allergy-suffering idiot (M, 40).
box no: 20/08
If we fail to hit it off on our first date, you will at least appreciate the brutal efficiency with which I let you know. No hidden meanings with often terrifying publishing F, 43, using Ming the Merciless rather than Anna Wintour as her benchmark of forthrightness.
box no: 20/09
I have two great talents. One is writing superb adverts like this, the other is cage-free chicken farming. If either of those appeal, please write. F, 32. Shrops.
box no: 20/10
42 year old clinically depressed transvestite and father of two seeks jaded but intellectual supermodels to share misery , bills and alcoholic blackouts.Costume desired but not essential. I am hugely attractive and overwhelmingly charismatic.
email: nwtv@ymail.com
Mission Impossible? Sassy, bright 60+ woman, Cotswolds, seeks friendly man for romance. Photo essential.
email: wendymcmullan@gmail.com
xenobibliophile seeks other.
web: www.lulu.com/hafan
Small but perfectly formed ex-hack turned jurisprudential insurrectionist (ahem) seeks proper gent/unicorn with wit, charm and optimistic approach to Bakhtinian dialogics. (F, 29).
box no: 20/01
Do you enjoy attending classical jazz concerts? Do you ever close your eyes and pretend you’re watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon? Me too! Inexplicably single Miles Davis, Hanna-Barbera enthusiast (M.78), seeks giggling brass fan. No strings.
box no: 22/03
Special anniversary advert! This personal commemorates 30 years of outrageous opinion, biased reporting and fudged copy with the same kind of obstinate persistence that’s baffled my urologist and confounded the watermelon industry. Magazine reading loon (M.82), seeks some kind of long service recognition for outlasting all of these other amateurs.
box no: 22/02
I am the physicist formerly known as ‘Steve’. Over there is the technician known as ‘Thargg’. Behind him is the inter-dimensional portal formerly known as ‘the fume cupboard’. Please send more kerosene to...
box no: 22/04
I’m just wild about stiff while collars and guys in them. Slightly less so about 3 piece suits but highly polished oxfords – wow! Young sixties smart man.
box no: 22/01
Not an esoteric advert, just a sincere request. New York writer/lecturer (61) living in NW London, with beauty, style, wit and wisdom, a great smile, an exuberant spirit and an understanding heart, seeks a loving man for the whole wonderful deal. The package you come in is less important to me than the soul shining through and the laughter in your eyes. Whaddya think?
email: dianaz2009@hotmail.co.uk
PSYCHOANALYSIS
Lacanian psychoanalyst in West Hampstead, NW London. UKCP registered. Languages: English, Greek.
tel: 07757553190
web: www.ListeningToYou.co.uk
UKCP registered psychotherapist. Central London, close to Kings Cross, Russell Square and Angel. Extensive experience of and interest in working with academics and midlife/ later life concerns.
tel: 07879403226
email: psypracticeWC1@googlemail.com
READERS’ REQUESTS
Agent or publisher sought for novel about a wild town on the coast of Ibiza, professional writer.
email: mcutlack@yahoo.com
SPECIALIST BOOKSELLERS
We buy & sell language books - Foreign, Celtic, English - from libraries to single items.
address: Marijana Dworski Books, Backfold, Hay-on-Wye, HR3 5EQ, U.K.
tel: 01497820200
email: info@dworskibooks.com
web: www.dworskibooks.com
Books Bought & Sold. Balkans, Russia, C.E. Europe, Central Asia from libraries to single items - travel, history, politics, culture, language.
address: Marijana Dworski Books, Backfold, Hay-on-Wye, HR3 5EQ, U.K.
tel: 01497820200
email: info@dworskibooks.com
web: www.dworskibooks.com
WANTED
Wisdens wanted. Wisden Cricketer’s Almanacs wanted, fair prices paid, can collect.
tel: 01480 819272
OLD POSTCARDS WANTED by private collector, Grenville Collins.
tel: 02078341852
email: grenvillecollins@safeserve.com
WEBSITES
Short story writer and essayist: new website.
web: www.markreece.co.uk
WRITERS’ RETREATS
Writers retreat in comfortable artists farmhouse in Tuscany. Short/long term B&B or full board.
email: bellaspetto@tiscali.it
Writers’ retreat, self-catering Czech farmhouse. £200-250 pw.
web: www.kaliste.zde.cz
To let over winter months, well furnished four bedroom holiday home, near Collioure South East France.
email: tessasimpo@hotmail.com
West of Ireland, Yeats country. Remote seaside cottage full of character.
web: www.sligocottage.com
Winter in Rhodes Medieval city. large room, internet, maid. Monthly demi-pensiona rate.
tel: +30-22410-34156
email: andreasch@otenet.gr
web: www.hotelandreas.com
Writers' retreat half-price offer: to celebrate newly created writers' suites at Casa Ana Mountain Retreats, Andalucia. Peaceful, spacious, comfortable.
web: www.casa-ana.com/events.htm